Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Saturday, October 9, 2010

Friday, August 27, 2010

Where am I?

I am starting to doubt my sanity.
Words, thoughts, pictures, and sounds are swirling everwhere around me.
In and out of the prism of smoke.
No question of delightfulness.
Not feeling alone, or just maybe learning how to feal again.
Twist and turns.
I don't feel afraind.
It felt like it was suppose to be as it is.
Violence quirvers in the corner, not being able to face the once becoming sounds of delight.
Who is she?
Who was she?

Light doesn't stop shinning in the face of question.
Why is this happening to me.
And why don't I want it to stay?
Knives, a funny thing.
Turn into puffs of smokey haze.
Wishing to go back into their own selfs, but knowing it can't be done.

The smell lingers around.
Taking them in.
The beautifully sweet bitter taste flows down my neck.
It tickles.
The ghosts are amused by such sound of laughter once the wine was been drunk.
Well who knows?
This can't stop.
I can't stop.
Never ending cycles of holes.
It just doesn't stop.
The smell still lingers.

You could say that I am not myself but then again, when are people not themselfs?
Silly icebergs.
Bobbing up and down the sweet bitter.
It just doesn't stop.

Pain flows but yet ignored.
Even though it doesn't mind.
The escape of a death leaves the eyes wide open.
We need to leave and go, go where?
No idea. Lets just go where the smokey haze tavels upon.

There is no question of our lack of dignity.
Heavily it drowns within, just within we reach ourselves.
Of where we ask, "Where are we?"
"Where am I?"

Monday, August 23, 2010

If You Really Knew Me. - Restricted.

You would know that maybe one day, I might make another version of this, but until then this is my story.
You would know that I revealed most of my secrets at once and that it would take time to take it all in.
You would know that there is more to come.
What you don't know is when or what will happen until then.

If you really knew me, you would know that the never ending problems won't go away.
You would know that I have accepted it.
You would know that this second, of this minute, of this hour, I tell myself that I am fine with dying.
But if you really knew me, you would know that even sometimes I do lie to myself.

If you really knew me, you would know that it's time I left.

So long and farewell.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Chickas Chickas.

This Scares the Hell out of Me.

Appearently this is from a child's book explaining where babies come from.
I am scarred for life.
Over my dead body I'm showing my future offspring this.

So long and farewell?

Advice From Somewhere.

So I saw this on some site I stumbled on and yeah,
enjoy my fellow humans. =]

Advice from Somewhere

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.

Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.

Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.

When you say, "I love you," mean it.

When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.

Be engaged at least six months before you get married.

Believe in love at first sight.

Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.

Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.

In disagreements, fight fairly. Please No name calling.

Don't judge people by their relatives.

Talk slowly but think quickly.

When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"

Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.

Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.

When you lose, don't lose the lesson.

Remember the three R's:
Respect for self;
Respect for others;
Responsibility for all your actions.

Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.

When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.

Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.

Spend some time alone.

Monday, July 19, 2010

The Wolf Man & the Creature from the Black Lagoon.

Yiipppeeeee! My classic horrors is on tonight! <3
Haven't seen any good one for ages!
Was watchign a crappy 70's "flick", called the Toxic Avenger.
It is complete bullshit, it's funyn at first but COMPLETE SHIT.

Anyways, watching the Wolf Man till 9:15pm and
then the Creature from the Black Lagoon come on!!!!!!

LAWLed at Myself.

ANYWAYS, it's not like it matters but I think it suggest entertainment for the night.
I might be lazy and not go and just stay online ALL NIGHT like I have been doing for the past week, which is not exactly healthy.

Meh, I miss Brayden.
LAWLed at myself... yesterday was wierd, deffiently not going to blog about it but eh.
My braincells are quite questionable.
Too lazy to type anymore.

So long and farewell?

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Ugh My HEAD.

Ugh my head hurts, but oh well atleast things are looking up now.
I love you Brayden. <3

Novelty Novel T-Shirts.

Ughhhh, my cordination sucks.
I love these and I want them so bad.
Out-of-print Novelty Novel t-shirt.

Saturday, July 17, 2010

Wish You Were Here.

I miss you Brayden.

Stupid Deer Tail.

So there was a bunch of deers chilling out infront of my yard and tried to take a fast picture with my laptop... Yeah... I got one tail and a long distant blurry view of its buddy.
I am bored and lonely.

Stupid deer tail.

What's Wrong with Me?

What's wrong wih me?
I have everything and everyone I need to be successful in life but...
where is the motivation?

So long and farewell?

I love you Brayden.

Daisypath - Personal pictureDaisypath Anniversary tickers

My Sockmonkey & Mr.Crabs.

Okay I forgot to put pictures of
my sockmonkey so here it is <3:

Also here's the "late" Mr.Crabs - RIP<3:

Friday, July 16, 2010


I'm trying to catch up. It's going to take awhile... Enjoy my dears.
So long and farewell?


I miss Brayden, and he comes back tomorrow but ugggggggh, WHY DO I HAVE TO BE SO INPATIENT!!!

What the fuck is wrong with me.
Mhmm... maybe I should actually pay a visit to the doc's, I mean... I did ditch my last appoitment...
Opps.... I just realised that I missed another appointment.....

I love you!

So long and farewell?

Braincells Are Giving Up.

EEEEEEH, I am so frekin tirred.
Brain is melting. LIKE INSANELY!!!!
UGh I want a frekin cupcake and my boyfriend.
Ugh... braincells are giving up on me.

This is what happens to me if I eat too much bacon.

BRAYDEN I MISS YOUU!!!!! --><3 <3 <3

A New Favourite to the Endless List.

I'm not usually a "fan" of Sci-Fi, but now... I might consider it.
Oh an Brayden, I miss you ALOT, Call me when you get back babe. <3>

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Perfection to Self-Vanity.

Perfections to Self-VANITY:
  • Black /or/ Purple /or/ Blue hair dye
  • Liquid Black Eyeliner (LIKE ALOT)
  • More Denium Short Jeans
  • Duct tape
  • Septum Piercing
  • Third sit-down for my Tattoo <3
  • Oh and I wish for my eyebrows to grow faster


Okay well I guess I am slightly addicted to this wierd game today as I was watching Jaws. Appearently it is based on a comic (?) and it's called Scary Girl. It did take me awhile to realize that the main character was a girl... I mean for bloody sakes it has girl in the frekin name. Oh well, it is me we are talkign about here. Hahahaha. Anyways it is a fun game at first but on the third level or where you have to ride the stupid rocket scooter (?) it gets fucking harder.
Blood hell.
It was pissing me off so much that I couldn't pass it, but luckly... 25 times later... I made it.. only to realize that I was stuck once again on the next level.... the stupid evil forest level.
Fuck me.
I refuse to stop... but I think this game might kill me with the stress of sucking so much at this game.
Fuck you guys who are having a perverted mind at the moment, I know what you are thinking about so SHUD UP!!! XD

So where was I? Oh yes, I am currently stuck on the 5th level I believe, the forest one, with the stupid bouncing things.
I'm going to take a lovely break and cut my fringe. It has been getting too long and well... TO THE GUILLOTINE WE GO MY DEAR FRINGE!!! MUHAHAHAAA_HAAHAHA_HAHAHA_HAHAA!
Opps. Stupid caps. Oh well, I'm not going to change it... it gives the letters more character.

Brayden I miss you and I hope you are having a fun time camping!
Love yah!!!

So long and farewell?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Destroy Godzilla in Seconds.

Okay so this is exactly what my cat Pip would do to me.
Seriously, he could destroy Godzilla in a matter of seconds.
And he could slap Jesus in the face if he wanted to.
I am afraid.

So long and farewell?


Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Woheya Heya yah Mr.Postman.

Just recently, or since been hanging out with my friend, Cassienovaa, I've been listening to this song non-stop. I don't know much about dubstep.... or how to dance to it... but I love this song and I can listen to it all day. <3 I dare any of you reading this just to listen to it.

So long and farewell?

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

There's An Icepack on My Tummy.

Mhmmm... well life has been interesting since the last time I posted something, or since the second last post if we're being technical here. I enrolled myself into summerschool to complete a math class and it started yesterday. It is going alright ofcorse, but I suppose it didn't help that I was an hour late this morning and then I left a hour early because I felt like I was going to throw up ricecrispies. Oh joy... Went home and currently watching America's Funniest Home Videos, whole eating Japanese noodles, with a pile of good books 0n the side of me, with an icepack on my tummy, and missing Brayden. I miss him alot. Well I miss him all the time. He's hot. Haha. It's true. ANYWAYS, I've been painting alot lately and potential projects are in the making. I feel accomplished. =] YAY! Well I'm too lazy to type anymore. So long and farewell? LOVEEEE YAH BRAYDEN!!!! XP

Sunday, June 27, 2010

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I Haven't Even Packed Yet. . . . .

Mhmm.... Appearently I mistaked the timings for when I'm supposed to be going to Nova Scotia.
I thought our trip was in two more weeks... I leave for NovsScotie tomorrow at 5 BLOODY AM!!!!!!! How is it physically possible for my body to wake up THAT EARLY?!?!?

I haven't even packed yet. . . . . . . . . *sighs*
Better yet, I forgot to tell my teachers I was going away. HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA.

(n__n) God I'm a stupid piglet. <3>

So long and farewell?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

My "Supposed" Style:


grunge  –nounSlang.
1. dirt; filth; rubbish.
2. something of inferior
quality; trash: He didn't know good music from grunge.
3. a person who works
hard, usually for meager rewards; grind.
4. a style or fashion derived from
a movement in rock music: in fashion characterized by unkempt clothing and in
music by aggressive, nihilistic songs.

What the fuck am I going on about now? Bloody Hell... I just dress to what feels comfy I suppose? Ms.P is probably giggling at my slowness of things. Why the fuck am I even blogging about this? Long story and I am too lazy to blog about it. Happy 420 to all you "fellow" stoners out there in the world.


So long and farewell?

Monday, April 19, 2010



Crap. The moneky I was making for that two year old kid... I fucked up on the ears and now they look retardely lopsided.
Oh well, it's not like the two year old is going to notice.

Anyways.... I don't feel like typing much sooo latertatorsalliggoater!@

So long and farewell?

Sunday, April 18, 2010


The Damn Nurses Were Giggling.

God, I really need to try waxing. XD
Wow.... that sounds wierd, but heck! It's true! I am bloody tired of ripping my nice legs apart with the EVIL SHAVER.
Anyways I bought some waxing stuff and have been planning on having Ms.P to help me out during RY, but we have been making sockmonkeys lately so we haven't been able to get around to helping me wax my legs... =(
I tried to do them earlyier this month.... but I didn't have the balls to go through with it. HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA.
Ima wierd one.

So yeah, I finally got my "new" antique bed! YAY! No more sleeping on that silly fouton thingy in the spare bedroom. Yaya!
Mhmmm... I am suppose to be cleaning my room, but you know me.... I was suppose to be cleaning it 5 months ago. lol. Oh dear.... I am slightlybehind schedual. BUT WHO HONESTLY GIVES A CRAP? Besides my dad anyways?.... hehe. . . . . I'm fucked.

I took my three stiches out of my hand the other day with some scissors and my finger finally feels at peace! =D Yeah.... I accidently cut my finger while washing a really sharpe knife and well, it's pretty obvious what happened. My dad had to take me to the hospital because my poor middle finger wouldn't stop bleeding.
Oh my bloody god... that hospital trip was.... I N T E R E S T I N G.
Apperently I woke up all the sleeping patients in the emergency ward from my "loudness" of swearing when the doctor was trying to freeze my finger.


All the damn nurses were giggling about me... so I was their little "entertainment" for the night/morning, yes it was around 2am when we finally left, it was 9.30pm when I cut my finger the night before.

On one last note, I finished my sockmonkey from RY. It's is so cute. I can't believe it turned out so well! =D
I might put pictures of my little sock buddy up soon. =P
And yes, more kinky pictures to come Brayden! Hahaha.

So long and farewell?

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Shrivled Up Worrywart.

Crap. Well I decided to "attempt" to quickly make a "quick" blog during my English 12 or... is it Communications 12 class? Anyways I don't have any time later today when I do get off from school beacuse I got to clean the whole frekin house from top to bottom.
It's extremely intenese and needs ALL my attention focused on it if I do want my house cleaned for my dad's upcoming birthday. I swear to god this is going to make me shit my pants (hopefully not literally ofcorse).
I miss Brayden so much, especially for the fact that he is currently chilling out in Alberta and I have no contact with him. And this turns me into a shrivled up worrywart.

Oh joy.

So I got the get my house house cleaned by tomorrow and I have to go to EVERY single class EVERY single day for the next two weeks if I am going to be on my dad's good side.
Bloody fuck, I'm so honestly lazy, its pathetic.
AND I got to get all the bloody homework I am missing in by Thursday.
Yes, as you can tell by now, I am crap at organizing a timetable and myself to get my life sorted out. Fun eh?
Yesterday I finally got all my photos developed and paid for (extrememly in debt now) and got them posted on facebook. But here are acouple for kicks (ILOVEYOUJENNI!). Enjoy and I might post some dirty kinky pictures on later this week.
It is depressing that I used to have made it a tradition for myself to post kinky pictures but haven't done so in ages.
Oh well..

So long and farewell?

Monday, April 5, 2010

Love; Totally Punk Rock.

Sleep On My KneeCaps.

Just got back from my wonderful Easter thingy in Penticton and Summerland. <3 It was AWWEEESSSOMEEE!!! I got to see Brayden (I LOVE YOU!!!!) and Jennifer (FUCKYAH!)!!!!! <3 <3 <3 Took alot of pictures with acouple disposable cameras so hopefully I will get them developed very soon. I miss him so much, even though I saw him acouple days ago... I don't know when the next time I see him but I hope it is soon. It's bad enough that the last time I saw him before Easter was like over a year and a half ago. Jhweezewhiz. Hopefully school will get better and that I can get my scattered brain slightly more organized. Ugh.. my cat is fit and "appears" skinny but has decided to sleep on my kneecaps as I currently have my feet rested on the table. I can't feel my body. Help? Here's a picture from Jen's blackberry that I took during her rugby game. Good weather for cuddles. =P I love you Brayden.<3

So long and farewell?

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Take The World by Storm.

Lulu by =TrixyPixie on deviantART

I admire this so much.
But not as much as I admire my boyfriend.
I'm sorry if I am a disapointment, but
I promise you
I will take the world by storm and
prove to you
that we are invincible together.
I love you.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Shitfaced, Fucked.

Life is beautiful even if this still fucking sucks balls.
-Sara Atkinson

Shitfaced, fucked. Alot of shit has happened and I haven't blogged in ages. Fuck me.

I'm currently in pain and probably will be for acouple weeks straight but it will be an adjustment that I will just have to learn to overcome. I have to thank my awesome boyfriend for giving me the best support one would dream of having especially when I am going through a really rough phase in my life. I also would like to thank all the RY Girls for being there for me aswell.

I love you guys, and of corse I love you Brayden. <3

I'm not really in the mood to type everything down that has happened lately and especially about this morning *sighs*. I will hopefully be able to get on either later today or tomorrow.

So long and farewell?

Sunday, January 31, 2010

I Piss Myself Off

I hate thinking about memories.
Especially when it involves the "happy" ones. The ones that when ever I think of them I suddenly burst into tears.
Why do these old happy memories make me sad? I mean... why are all these emotions attacking me?!?
Then I actually thought about it.

I guess for the fact that I will never be able to relive those memories ever again.. kind of kills it for me.
They are gone forever and what is left are the broken relationships and the regrets that haunt me even though they shouldn't. I know that I will make more happy memories with the people I love but... I don't know what's holding me back.
I'm tired of all this drama I bring up.
I piss myself off and it's fucking pathetic.
Untill next time...

So long and farewell?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

HorrorPops - Kiss Kiss Kill Kill

When I first saw this album at Ditch Records,
I knew then that I just had to get it.
I never heard of them before but looking at it... it felt like fate.
Probably a week later or so,
I walked by and remember that it was there
and for the first time I had money on me.
$11.99 plus tax.
I could afford it.
An extreme wave of ecstacy hit me once I had it in my hands.
I love buying cds from old school record stores, but I still dig CD Plus and HMV.
This album is frekin awesome.
Favourite song from it; Hitchcock Starlit.

What About The Booze?

I am debating wether or not I should cut my fringe tonight or wait till next week.

On another note, I should probably attempt to stop drinking. Drinking for me brings out alot of emotion and distress. There has been times when it has been fun and enjoyable but lately it doesn't work out like that anymore.
I don't drink too often but when I do, I don't stop.
My drinking scares the shit out of me.
I don't know if I really want to stop yet but in keeping of mind of what is better for me and for others I should atleast slow down.

I'm tired of being screwed over and being let down, I won't have any of it anymore.
People complain that I'm being uncivil about it but you know what? If it wasn't their own frekin fault I wouldn't be acting like this in the first place.
I still seem to need more time to cool down.
I stopped smoking again and I hope that it will stay like that for a decent amount of time.
Just got rid of my sore throat, so I am quite thankful for that.

My mother called me randomly today asking how I was and what my favourite pop was.
It took me off guard for abit, I mean... That is quite a random question.
I replied Coke because honestly I don't have a "favourite" and it was the only one I could think of at that precise moment of time.

She asked if it was the same Coca-Cola. . . (and yes those are ackward dots. . .)
"Yes mother, the very same."
"Oh good, I'll pick some up today after work then, I'll talk to you later, Bye!"
She hangs up on me.
Usually it would have been I who would have made the conversation extremely short but I suppose she was in a rush and had to do what I would call a "Hit and Run" phone call.
I didn't really mind but it is confirmed now that she is scheming.
My mother is scheming something big.
Something that probably has to do when for when I come down there in February.
But my main question is... Why the pop? What about the booze?

Oh for fucks sake. Back to the booze again.
Everything I talk about always ends up to talking about booze.
Oh fuck me, I'm craving buffalo wings again.

So long and farewell?

PS. I miss you sunshine.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Numb Away All These Feelings.

Ugh, my eye is ichty and swollen.
Fuck me..
In a pissy mood...

Talked to Kate and then to my Dad about this fucked up situation... I got two different responses but then again I think I might go with Kate's.
My Dad says I should be happy for them, and learn how to forgive and to forget.
Over my dead fucking body.
He doesn't know the situtation as Kate does, then again Kate knows everything about it.
Kate says I deserve to be angry and that I should show it (in a respective manner of corse).
She also says that I've been screwed over and that these emotions will not be passing anytime soon so she suggest just getting angry out now might be helpful. Well lets hope.
I'm filled up with so much emotions, especially the ones that haunt me from the past.
It's overwhelming me and I don't know what to do about them.
Facebook also doesn't help one fucking bit.
Hate seeing those fucking posts...
Fuck Facebook. *Sighs*.

Where the hell did I put my Capt.Morgans?

I just want to numb away all these feelings.

So long and farewell?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

But Heck I'm One Happy Bunny!

Is it possible to get a small high from taking too many Tylonal (and other thingys)?
Mhmm, I'm all the sudden very happy and it is kind of freaking me out!

After chain-smoking for the past week I felt like complete shit, for example... earlyier today I had a really shitty headache and the smell of smoke was really getting to me.
So I decided to quit smoking (again and hopefully it does work out for abit) and gave my smokes away to Vince and Silas. Felt pretty good about that. =]
It was also funny though that I had three people offering me smokes and I said no. Where the heck were these people when I actually wanted one? Haha.

I miss you so much Brayden. <3


Saturday, January 16, 2010

I'm Currently Craving...

dun dun duhhhhhhhh!!!

and of corse you too, my darling.

If It's Worth It Anymore.

I guess I never meant anything thing to you as you said I did, my dear "friend".

I had a "talk" with my "sister" on thursday.
Of corse things like this never really go smoothy as one would hope it would be, but alas no matter what, I still felt quite shitty afterwords.
I suppose having a fight with my umbrella with Arin also walking by and trying to help out didn't really make my nerves any better, probably made them worse.
After waiting till Arin walked away, I started off.
It kind of went like a fast blur to me now as I think about it but it was pretty ackward.
Another thing that didn't help was the fact that I knew she wasn't listening to me, I mean in the sense of her not listening to what I was trying to explain.
It made me more frustrated with her, which in a way, made me to forget some major points I wanted to make with her.
Thus with her not really "listening" to me and replying all defensively.
She claims she played no flawed parts of this whole mess and gave me her distinguished look that clearly says that it was me who's the fucking idiot here.
Well, fuck her.
Anyways, I got more mad at her and started yelling.

What also fucked up me off with my rant was when Arin walked by again and was lurking about. Waiting until he left, I completely forgot where I was in my ranting of which took acouple seconds and the quick thinking wether or not I should just ask her where I left off.
It would've been extremely ackward if I did ask her and luckly I didn't.
I started again, but by then I was so frustrated at her that I told her to go home before she catched a fucking cold. She said nothing.
I left.

It hurts more that I probably fucked it up by another notch, but I don't regret it.
I mean, they have no idea how much pain they are putting me through.
They make me feel like I am the one who's being a nutcase and should be put away in an asylum.
But I don't know how to act in this situation.
It feels like they're the ones holding the gun to my head and not expecting a reaction.
I shouldn't really put it in that way, but honestly I just don't give a shit anymore.
There's just so much shit going on these days, I'm just thinking if it's worth it anymore.

Then I think about one of my favourite quotes...
"If anything, just hold on to life".

So long and farewell?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sorry Sunshine

I’m sorry sunshine for all my melancholy posts… It’s the only way I can seem to express myself.
Just thinking about you makes me smile hun.
I love you. <3

Well Hunny, You Fucked Up.

A lot of crap has been going on since Tuesday and well… I feel quite battered up.
BETRAYAL still rings in my ears. Was talking (more like ranting) to Kate about the situation I was in and I thought she would tell me to calm down and that I should just let it rest. Well, she’s like my guardian angel. She was quite taken back on how I am being treated through this situation and says I deserve to be pissed off about it. I was so hyped up telling her about this that I felt kind of bad for yelling (not at Kate but… just how I was explaining things), but she says it’s okay and that the reason she was there was to listen to me. Kate is so awesome. I tried making myself feel better by going by one of my favourite stores and buying a pipe.
And hell, it did make me feel quite happy. I love it! Is it weird calling a pipe cute? Well it is.
Might be uploading pictures of it onto here… hopefully I will get around to doing it.
It’s name is Cherrywinkle. Yes, I gave it a name. And yes, I know I’m weird, but heck! It’s awesome.

Anyways, it’s pissing me off to see my “so-called sister” updated her Facebook status saying “Too much drama is going on… fml” and some person replied to her status saying “awe you poor girl, you will get through it in no time”.
Well you know what? FUCK HER. She thinks she is going through a hard time?
I scream BULLSHIT.
And fuck my life? What about mine you stupid girl! You have no idea what I’m going through and you think you’re going through a hard time?
Bitch please. I have more on my rap sheet than you would ever have in a million years.
You said that you didn’t mean for this to happen and that it was out of your control.
I scream BULLSHIT again.
You knew what you were doing and you are being fucking selfish.
Not giving a shit how people feel.
So much for you being a “real friend”. And how dare you dare tell me “We’ve been best friends/sisters for three years and I don’t want to lose you”. Well hunny, you fucked it up.
You also fucked it up more by accepting too.
There is only hate in this heart of mine for you my dear “sister”.

And to you, my “FRIEND”. You somehow unconsciously started this whole thing. UNCONSCIOUSLY TOO? How the hell did that happen?
You can’t fall in love with a person in the matter of what?
Well screw you.
You probably lost me too.

So long and farewell?

You are My Sunshine.

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies go gray
you'll never know dear
how much i love you
so don't ever take my sunshine away.

The Solitary Man - Rainer Maria Rilke

No, what my heart will be is a tower,
and I will be right out on its rim:
nothing else will be there, only pain
and what can't be said, only the world.

Only one thing left in the enormous space
that will go dark and then light again,
only one final face full of longing,
exiled into what is always full of thirst,

only one fathest-out face made of stone,
at peace with its own inner wight,
which the distances, who go on ruining it,
force on to deeper holiness.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Take Things Off My Mind.

Well here's my Christmas Inventory Thingy. Not trying to rub it in people's faces (is that the right term?). I do have to admit, I am pretty spoiled. Just posting this to take things off my mind for abit. BLKEH.
  • Kindle
  • The Prophet (via ebook)
  • The Boyfriend List (via ebook)
  • The Vinyl Cade cd
  • Chocolates
  • Hairdye/hairspray/make-up
  • Puddle of Mud cd
  • Arizona IceTea
  • Black Rose Bracelet
  • Dark HelloKitty LipBalm
  • Cigarette Case
  • Legwarmers
  • The Elegance of The Hedgehog
  • Gourmet Rhapsody
  • The Beckoners
  • Dog Stuffy
  • Smoking Lily Skirt
  • Giftcards
  • & my favourite... the Stainless Steel Cheese Slicer

  • For people who don't know what a kindle is. Look up.

    So long and farewell?

    Dying Inside Abit.

    Slightly dying inside abit.

    I should watch the Virgin Suicides again.

    Numb with a Sleeping Foot.

    It is amazing how things could change in less than a day, especially before morning.
    I won't deny it, I am hurting.
    It shouldn't bother me so much but it did. It' probably doesn't help that a bunch of shit is already happening beforehand.
    I don't know how to explain what I am feeling but I am pretty sure my sister got the main idea of what I was trying to explain to her.

    That was the only I felt how to express my emotions earlyier today. Now after talking to my "friend" and my sister... I'm amazed at how I am starting to feel slightly better about this.
    But am I still pissed?
    Yes, but not in the destructive I was before lunch. It's more of a numb anger feeling now.
    That's the best way Icould possibly put it.
    I love her as a sister but in a way, even though it wasn't her fault, I felt betrayed.
    To "help" coping with this, I've been chain-smoking all day. Not exactly the best thing to do because I know for a fact that I will physically feel like shit.
    Oh well.

    I don't know how long it will be before I will get over this, but in a way.. I kind of saw this coming but with a stranger and not my sister. It will take awhile.

    Might blog more about this, but I don't know if I will.
    Mood at the Current Moment: Numb with a sleeping foot (still...).

    So long and farewell?

    Monday, January 11, 2010

    Dreams and Nightmares.

    I've been having wierd dreams lately.
    Most of the time I just remember little bits when waking up and then later on in the day I would just simply forget about what happened.
    There also have been times when I get nightmares instead of my usual forgetful dreams. When I was younger, I used to classify dreams as nightmares if I ended waking up crying, well not anymore... they have seemed to evolved.
    My dream/nightmares are developing and seem to be catching me off guard.
    Should I take them seriously? Especially the ones that I get that haunting feeling from?

    The nightmare I had last night (or this morning?)
    scared me.
    I hate when in these dream-like situations have someone I deeply care about suddenly turns dangerous...
    It's not the first time I had a nightmare like this, still scares the shit out of me. I couldn't look at the person the same way for acouple months. Luckly though... for the times this has happend, the people who became "dangerous" in my nightmares do live far away. I hate seeing someone who I know wouldn't (well..) do those kinds of things and have this imbedded haunting impression of them because of a stupid nightmare that's not even real! Thankfully I don't see them much anymore, so my recovery process will speed up quickly.
    I'm surprised at myself for not crying when waking up but then again I'm waking up more shocked than shitfaced.
    Hopefully they will go away and leave me alone in peace.

    So long and farewell?

    Sunday, January 10, 2010

    I Feel Like Butter on Pancakes.

    Oh my.
    I feel like butter on pancakes, but it is a nice feeling. =]
    Oh dear.
    I am deffiently in my lovey-dovey mood, but it's alright. =]
    I can't stop smiling now and if your reading this sunshine, you know it's you. <3

    "I love you. And not in a friendly way..."

    I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think
    we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection,
    puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it.
    And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you.
    Very simply, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute
    and quality I've ever looked for in another person....