Sunday, January 31, 2010

I Piss Myself Off

I hate thinking about memories.
Especially when it involves the "happy" ones. The ones that when ever I think of them I suddenly burst into tears.
Why do these old happy memories make me sad? I mean... why are all these emotions attacking me?!?
Then I actually thought about it.

I guess for the fact that I will never be able to relive those memories ever again.. kind of kills it for me.
They are gone forever and what is left are the broken relationships and the regrets that haunt me even though they shouldn't. I know that I will make more happy memories with the people I love but... I don't know what's holding me back.
I'm tired of all this drama I bring up.
I piss myself off and it's fucking pathetic.
Untill next time...

So long and farewell?

Sunday, January 24, 2010

HorrorPops - Kiss Kiss Kill Kill

When I first saw this album at Ditch Records,
I knew then that I just had to get it.
I never heard of them before but looking at it... it felt like fate.
Probably a week later or so,
I walked by and remember that it was there
and for the first time I had money on me.
$11.99 plus tax.
I could afford it.
An extreme wave of ecstacy hit me once I had it in my hands.
I love buying cds from old school record stores, but I still dig CD Plus and HMV.
This album is frekin awesome.
Favourite song from it; Hitchcock Starlit.

What About The Booze?

I am debating wether or not I should cut my fringe tonight or wait till next week.

On another note, I should probably attempt to stop drinking. Drinking for me brings out alot of emotion and distress. There has been times when it has been fun and enjoyable but lately it doesn't work out like that anymore.
I don't drink too often but when I do, I don't stop.
My drinking scares the shit out of me.
I don't know if I really want to stop yet but in keeping of mind of what is better for me and for others I should atleast slow down.

I'm tired of being screwed over and being let down, I won't have any of it anymore.
People complain that I'm being uncivil about it but you know what? If it wasn't their own frekin fault I wouldn't be acting like this in the first place.
I still seem to need more time to cool down.
I stopped smoking again and I hope that it will stay like that for a decent amount of time.
Just got rid of my sore throat, so I am quite thankful for that.

My mother called me randomly today asking how I was and what my favourite pop was.
It took me off guard for abit, I mean... That is quite a random question.
I replied Coke because honestly I don't have a "favourite" and it was the only one I could think of at that precise moment of time.

She asked if it was the same Coca-Cola. . . (and yes those are ackward dots. . .)
"Yes mother, the very same."
"Oh good, I'll pick some up today after work then, I'll talk to you later, Bye!"
She hangs up on me.
Usually it would have been I who would have made the conversation extremely short but I suppose she was in a rush and had to do what I would call a "Hit and Run" phone call.
I didn't really mind but it is confirmed now that she is scheming.
My mother is scheming something big.
Something that probably has to do when for when I come down there in February.
But my main question is... Why the pop? What about the booze?

Oh for fucks sake. Back to the booze again.
Everything I talk about always ends up to talking about booze.
Oh fuck me, I'm craving buffalo wings again.

So long and farewell?

PS. I miss you sunshine.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Numb Away All These Feelings.

Ugh, my eye is ichty and swollen.
Fuck me..
In a pissy mood...

Talked to Kate and then to my Dad about this fucked up situation... I got two different responses but then again I think I might go with Kate's.
My Dad says I should be happy for them, and learn how to forgive and to forget.
Over my dead fucking body.
He doesn't know the situtation as Kate does, then again Kate knows everything about it.
Kate says I deserve to be angry and that I should show it (in a respective manner of corse).
She also says that I've been screwed over and that these emotions will not be passing anytime soon so she suggest just getting angry out now might be helpful. Well lets hope.
I'm filled up with so much emotions, especially the ones that haunt me from the past.
It's overwhelming me and I don't know what to do about them.
Facebook also doesn't help one fucking bit.
Hate seeing those fucking posts...
Fuck Facebook. *Sighs*.

Where the hell did I put my Capt.Morgans?

I just want to numb away all these feelings.

So long and farewell?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

But Heck I'm One Happy Bunny!

Is it possible to get a small high from taking too many Tylonal (and other thingys)?
Mhmm, I'm all the sudden very happy and it is kind of freaking me out!

After chain-smoking for the past week I felt like complete shit, for example... earlyier today I had a really shitty headache and the smell of smoke was really getting to me.
So I decided to quit smoking (again and hopefully it does work out for abit) and gave my smokes away to Vince and Silas. Felt pretty good about that. =]
It was also funny though that I had three people offering me smokes and I said no. Where the heck were these people when I actually wanted one? Haha.

I miss you so much Brayden. <3


Saturday, January 16, 2010

I'm Currently Craving...

dun dun duhhhhhhhh!!!

and of corse you too, my darling.

If It's Worth It Anymore.

I guess I never meant anything thing to you as you said I did, my dear "friend".

I had a "talk" with my "sister" on thursday.
Of corse things like this never really go smoothy as one would hope it would be, but alas no matter what, I still felt quite shitty afterwords.
I suppose having a fight with my umbrella with Arin also walking by and trying to help out didn't really make my nerves any better, probably made them worse.
After waiting till Arin walked away, I started off.
It kind of went like a fast blur to me now as I think about it but it was pretty ackward.
Another thing that didn't help was the fact that I knew she wasn't listening to me, I mean in the sense of her not listening to what I was trying to explain.
It made me more frustrated with her, which in a way, made me to forget some major points I wanted to make with her.
Thus with her not really "listening" to me and replying all defensively.
She claims she played no flawed parts of this whole mess and gave me her distinguished look that clearly says that it was me who's the fucking idiot here.
Well, fuck her.
Anyways, I got more mad at her and started yelling.

What also fucked up me off with my rant was when Arin walked by again and was lurking about. Waiting until he left, I completely forgot where I was in my ranting of which took acouple seconds and the quick thinking wether or not I should just ask her where I left off.
It would've been extremely ackward if I did ask her and luckly I didn't.
I started again, but by then I was so frustrated at her that I told her to go home before she catched a fucking cold. She said nothing.
I left.

It hurts more that I probably fucked it up by another notch, but I don't regret it.
I mean, they have no idea how much pain they are putting me through.
They make me feel like I am the one who's being a nutcase and should be put away in an asylum.
But I don't know how to act in this situation.
It feels like they're the ones holding the gun to my head and not expecting a reaction.
I shouldn't really put it in that way, but honestly I just don't give a shit anymore.
There's just so much shit going on these days, I'm just thinking if it's worth it anymore.

Then I think about one of my favourite quotes...
"If anything, just hold on to life".

So long and farewell?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Sorry Sunshine

I’m sorry sunshine for all my melancholy posts… It’s the only way I can seem to express myself.
Just thinking about you makes me smile hun.
I love you. <3

Well Hunny, You Fucked Up.

A lot of crap has been going on since Tuesday and well… I feel quite battered up.
BETRAYAL still rings in my ears. Was talking (more like ranting) to Kate about the situation I was in and I thought she would tell me to calm down and that I should just let it rest. Well, she’s like my guardian angel. She was quite taken back on how I am being treated through this situation and says I deserve to be pissed off about it. I was so hyped up telling her about this that I felt kind of bad for yelling (not at Kate but… just how I was explaining things), but she says it’s okay and that the reason she was there was to listen to me. Kate is so awesome. I tried making myself feel better by going by one of my favourite stores and buying a pipe.
And hell, it did make me feel quite happy. I love it! Is it weird calling a pipe cute? Well it is.
Might be uploading pictures of it onto here… hopefully I will get around to doing it.
It’s name is Cherrywinkle. Yes, I gave it a name. And yes, I know I’m weird, but heck! It’s awesome.

Anyways, it’s pissing me off to see my “so-called sister” updated her Facebook status saying “Too much drama is going on… fml” and some person replied to her status saying “awe you poor girl, you will get through it in no time”.
Well you know what? FUCK HER. She thinks she is going through a hard time?
I scream BULLSHIT.
And fuck my life? What about mine you stupid girl! You have no idea what I’m going through and you think you’re going through a hard time?
Bitch please. I have more on my rap sheet than you would ever have in a million years.
You said that you didn’t mean for this to happen and that it was out of your control.
I scream BULLSHIT again.
You knew what you were doing and you are being fucking selfish.
Not giving a shit how people feel.
So much for you being a “real friend”. And how dare you dare tell me “We’ve been best friends/sisters for three years and I don’t want to lose you”. Well hunny, you fucked it up.
You also fucked it up more by accepting too.
There is only hate in this heart of mine for you my dear “sister”.

And to you, my “FRIEND”. You somehow unconsciously started this whole thing. UNCONSCIOUSLY TOO? How the hell did that happen?
You can’t fall in love with a person in the matter of what?
Well screw you.
You probably lost me too.

So long and farewell?

You are My Sunshine.

You are my sunshine
my only sunshine
you make me happy when skies go gray
you'll never know dear
how much i love you
so don't ever take my sunshine away.

The Solitary Man - Rainer Maria Rilke

No, what my heart will be is a tower,
and I will be right out on its rim:
nothing else will be there, only pain
and what can't be said, only the world.

Only one thing left in the enormous space
that will go dark and then light again,
only one final face full of longing,
exiled into what is always full of thirst,

only one fathest-out face made of stone,
at peace with its own inner wight,
which the distances, who go on ruining it,
force on to deeper holiness.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Take Things Off My Mind.

Well here's my Christmas Inventory Thingy. Not trying to rub it in people's faces (is that the right term?). I do have to admit, I am pretty spoiled. Just posting this to take things off my mind for abit. BLKEH.
  • Kindle
  • The Prophet (via ebook)
  • The Boyfriend List (via ebook)
  • The Vinyl Cade cd
  • Chocolates
  • Hairdye/hairspray/make-up
  • Puddle of Mud cd
  • Arizona IceTea
  • Black Rose Bracelet
  • Dark HelloKitty LipBalm
  • Cigarette Case
  • Legwarmers
  • The Elegance of The Hedgehog
  • Gourmet Rhapsody
  • The Beckoners
  • Dog Stuffy
  • Smoking Lily Skirt
  • Giftcards
  • & my favourite... the Stainless Steel Cheese Slicer

  • For people who don't know what a kindle is. Look up.

    So long and farewell?

    Dying Inside Abit.

    Slightly dying inside abit.

    I should watch the Virgin Suicides again.

    Numb with a Sleeping Foot.

    It is amazing how things could change in less than a day, especially before morning.
    I won't deny it, I am hurting.
    It shouldn't bother me so much but it did. It' probably doesn't help that a bunch of shit is already happening beforehand.
    I don't know how to explain what I am feeling but I am pretty sure my sister got the main idea of what I was trying to explain to her.

    That was the only I felt how to express my emotions earlyier today. Now after talking to my "friend" and my sister... I'm amazed at how I am starting to feel slightly better about this.
    But am I still pissed?
    Yes, but not in the destructive I was before lunch. It's more of a numb anger feeling now.
    That's the best way Icould possibly put it.
    I love her as a sister but in a way, even though it wasn't her fault, I felt betrayed.
    To "help" coping with this, I've been chain-smoking all day. Not exactly the best thing to do because I know for a fact that I will physically feel like shit.
    Oh well.

    I don't know how long it will be before I will get over this, but in a way.. I kind of saw this coming but with a stranger and not my sister. It will take awhile.

    Might blog more about this, but I don't know if I will.
    Mood at the Current Moment: Numb with a sleeping foot (still...).

    So long and farewell?

    Monday, January 11, 2010

    Dreams and Nightmares.

    I've been having wierd dreams lately.
    Most of the time I just remember little bits when waking up and then later on in the day I would just simply forget about what happened.
    There also have been times when I get nightmares instead of my usual forgetful dreams. When I was younger, I used to classify dreams as nightmares if I ended waking up crying, well not anymore... they have seemed to evolved.
    My dream/nightmares are developing and seem to be catching me off guard.
    Should I take them seriously? Especially the ones that I get that haunting feeling from?

    The nightmare I had last night (or this morning?)
    scared me.
    I hate when in these dream-like situations have someone I deeply care about suddenly turns dangerous...
    It's not the first time I had a nightmare like this, still scares the shit out of me. I couldn't look at the person the same way for acouple months. Luckly though... for the times this has happend, the people who became "dangerous" in my nightmares do live far away. I hate seeing someone who I know wouldn't (well..) do those kinds of things and have this imbedded haunting impression of them because of a stupid nightmare that's not even real! Thankfully I don't see them much anymore, so my recovery process will speed up quickly.
    I'm surprised at myself for not crying when waking up but then again I'm waking up more shocked than shitfaced.
    Hopefully they will go away and leave me alone in peace.

    So long and farewell?

    Sunday, January 10, 2010

    I Feel Like Butter on Pancakes.

    Oh my.
    I feel like butter on pancakes, but it is a nice feeling. =]
    Oh dear.
    I am deffiently in my lovey-dovey mood, but it's alright. =]
    I can't stop smiling now and if your reading this sunshine, you know it's you. <3

    "I love you. And not in a friendly way..."

    I love you. And not in a friendly way, although I think
    we're great friends. And not in a misplaced affection,
    puppy-dog way, although I'm sure that's what you'll call it.
    And it's not because you're unattainable. I love you.
    Very simply, very truly. You're the epitome of every attribute
    and quality I've ever looked for in another person....

    Looking at Dirty Sites.

    Special Note -> I was suppose to post this earlyier this on Friday but haven't done so.
    So I'm finally doing it now.

    Hello my dears.
    Actually at school today for once!
    Couldn't go all week (well the majority of it) because I had to go for tests at QA.
    My dad and I thought it started on Monday but it actually started on Tuesday so we wasted time going there and then trying to drop me off at school on time.
    Typical. I got there late.
    Went there on Tuesday, was also suppose to go there on Wensday but the fact that we went through the tests pretty fast I didn't have to come, well unless if I wanted to hang out in the waiting room for acouple hours with no reason what-so-ever, then I could.
    Well screw that.
    I went to school, but ditched all my classes.
    Hanged out at Ms.P's room for the entire day.
    It was very relaxful. Had my stash of newspaper articles to disect.
    I've been hitting the newspapers hard these days, puts the stressful things of my mind for abit.
    Can't wait to go on anti-depressants. It will seriously make my life easyier.
    Seriously it will!!!

    Yesterday (Thursday, for people who don't have calendars) I tried uploading more kinkies but my laptop was being so slow that I couldn't even go on the site properly!


    This image perfectly shows my facial expression. Fuck, this also happens to me when I'm looking at dirty sites and it stops loading halfway and I've been waiting for half an hour already! Fuck. Haha.
    Anyways I did manage to upload them... eventually.
    Will be posting my Christmas Inventory Thingy later this week.
    Also will be explaing my issues about umbrellas too with that.

    So long and farewell?

    Thursday, January 7, 2010

    Fill More Space up With Kinky.





    Went to QA today for the last final test thingy I had to do.
    Didn't have to go back to school after so my dad took me to Starbucks (even though I wasn't really in the mood) and bought me coffee (which amazingly enough I wasn't in the mood for that either... and it was grande too... Is it just me or did the grande size got bigger?) which was alright I suppose, didn't feel well after.

    Missing a specific person like crazy... feeling really alone now these days.

    Suppose to be cleaning my room... fuck that, I'll do it later.
    I feel dead. Seriously.
    No thoughts, no feelings, no nothing.
    Just dead.

    I want someone or anyone to come by and randomly hang out with me... but then again... everybody usually forgets where I live or they just don't bother.
    Oh well.

    So long and farewell?

    Monday, January 4, 2010

    It Takes Skills to Lose a Plastic Spoon.

    Well... I am lost for words of what just happens moments ago (when writing this as a draft)...
    It takes skills to lose a plastic spoon within two mintues of first recieving it for my raspberry and peach yoguet parfait from Starbucks. It just goes to prove my klutziness still attacks me like a dead baby.
    Sorry for bringing up the dead baby... Jordan and I were trying to crack dead baby jokes earlyier today... Haha

    What's the difference between a watermelon and a dead baby?
    A watermelon floats.

    Haha... sorry, I just had to put it in.
    Anyways... Where was I? Oh yes, due to my confused look of wondering where the heck I put that spoon, the lady next to me giggled. I asked her if she've seen my spoon. She didnt. T__T *Sighs*.

    I guess I should mention (if I haven't done so already, too lazy to check with my older posts) that I've dropped my Planning 10 class with Mz.Z (yay!) acouple months ago. I'm trying to take it online now. I called the people who were organizing it and left a message. They called back and left a message. I called them back again and left a message.
    They didn't call me back yet. *Sighs*. I hate playing cat and mouse through answering machines. *Sighs*.
    So no way I'm passing Planning 10 now before next semester. Shitfaced.
    Well the only good thing about this is that I have a spare now for my D block (yay!).
    So what do I do during my spare? CRASH ANOTHER CLASS OFCORSE! =D
    Haha, nah I don't cause that much damage, but I do randomly for the majority of time, chill in Ms.P's English 11 class.
    Just sit in the back, relax, and eat a shitload of crackers.
    Mhmm... it reminds me of how I used to spend my time in that class last year (when I was actually in it). How the heck did I pass anyways? Oh well, Ms.P is amazing!
    Today I went there again for my spare but I didn't stay long.
    I walked down my favourite street to the Starbucks next to Chinatown.
    And this is when the mystery of where my spoon go began.

    Closed my umbrella (will be talking about umbrellas sooner or later...), ordered a latte, yogurt, spoon... ETC.
    It will remain a mystery until I die.
    Fuck me.

    Trying to finish The Selected Poems of Rainer Maria Rilke. Translated ofcrose. =P

    So long and farewell?

    Sunday, January 3, 2010

    If Anything, Hold on To Life.

    +Hold on To Life by ~burntoutlighter on deviantART

    A Tad Late with the Kinky.


    Sorry I'm late with uploading kinky pictures darling, hope you like this one.
    It's one of my personal favourites.
    Miss you!

    So long and farewell?

    And Watermelon Rollies Too!


    Wow... that was a crazy fucking awesome night (seriously, it's going to be one of my all-time favourites).
    Mandy and Naomi, we must do that again but with more BlueBucks and Coke bottles!!!
    And watermelon rollies to!. Hahahahahahahaa.
    And after... yyyyyyyyyyeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... AWESOME!!! *HEARTS*

    Oh and Brayden... I do miss you more!
    And I'll prove it to you. Sooner or later.

    Will be blogging more within the next couple days, the brain is still intoxicated after last night and this whole Christmas/New Years Holiday thingy. MUST GET REST; .... DIES.
    If that makes any sense whatsoever? Haha.

    So long and farewell? Miss you more Brayden!