Saturday, January 16, 2010

If It's Worth It Anymore.

I guess I never meant anything thing to you as you said I did, my dear "friend".

I had a "talk" with my "sister" on thursday.
Of corse things like this never really go smoothy as one would hope it would be, but alas no matter what, I still felt quite shitty afterwords.
I suppose having a fight with my umbrella with Arin also walking by and trying to help out didn't really make my nerves any better, probably made them worse.
After waiting till Arin walked away, I started off.
It kind of went like a fast blur to me now as I think about it but it was pretty ackward.
Another thing that didn't help was the fact that I knew she wasn't listening to me, I mean in the sense of her not listening to what I was trying to explain.
It made me more frustrated with her, which in a way, made me to forget some major points I wanted to make with her.
Thus with her not really "listening" to me and replying all defensively.
She claims she played no flawed parts of this whole mess and gave me her distinguished look that clearly says that it was me who's the fucking idiot here.
Well, fuck her.
Anyways, I got more mad at her and started yelling.

What also fucked up me off with my rant was when Arin walked by again and was lurking about. Waiting until he left, I completely forgot where I was in my ranting of which took acouple seconds and the quick thinking wether or not I should just ask her where I left off.
It would've been extremely ackward if I did ask her and luckly I didn't.
I started again, but by then I was so frustrated at her that I told her to go home before she catched a fucking cold. She said nothing.
I left.

It hurts more that I probably fucked it up by another notch, but I don't regret it.
I mean, they have no idea how much pain they are putting me through.
They make me feel like I am the one who's being a nutcase and should be put away in an asylum.
But I don't know how to act in this situation.
It feels like they're the ones holding the gun to my head and not expecting a reaction.
I shouldn't really put it in that way, but honestly I just don't give a shit anymore.
There's just so much shit going on these days, I'm just thinking if it's worth it anymore.

Then I think about one of my favourite quotes...
"If anything, just hold on to life".

So long and farewell?

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